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you guys

i haven't posted an entry in about 7 months which really breaks my heart and I apologize heartily!

it actually hurts me when people stop posting on their blogs, for whatever reason they may have and I feel disappointed in myself

I just don't know if the effort is worth it to document my life on this blog but eventually, I feel I will once more start it up again.


2011 thus far

 back to school, i hate school, but I'm taking a Health class and it feels okay, I love my teacher and etcetera

sister and mother came home (a short break for my mother, who is going back to Iran in a couple of weeks) and i feel a lot less lonely

more recently:
my apartment building caught on fire
i wasn't actually in it, i was sleeping over at a friend's
but ceilings started collapsing (not ours) and I'LL WRITE MORE LATER

Dec. 12th, 2010

 hi guyszszszszszzsszsz
if you're still here and reading this then congrats! i must really like you! or you must really like me!

so recent news:

best friend's birthday (December 2nd)
bought a new guitar (November 21st)
yeah that's about it

today my brother turns 21!
he's coming over at 1, assuming that the rain isn't too much to deal with, and he has a pretty busy day so we'll just give him his brownies and perhaps he'll be off


wow i am just so tired all the time.
the play was SUPPOSED to be this past friday, but two of our principle roles (including one lead!) got into huge trouble and the school of course tells us THE DAY BEFORE THE SHOW 
we had no prepared understudy because we're really unprofessional and that was a really bad move on our part
so the two actors can't go onstage and we're all freaking out (except for some jerks in the back of the room who obviously don't take their own drama class seriously and probably took it to get an easy A) and so we end up postponing the play, perhaps until january.
and this really sucks because i was depending on the play to end so i wouldn't have to stay until 9 pm at school doing stage crew so that i could use my new time to apply for internships and scholarships and also 
to study for the SAT's which I'm taking in January.
i can't deal with staying until 9 pm and doing all of the above.

screw it i'm really stressed i have a lot to do and just ughglkasdjhfasd
my grandmother lives with me now, did i mention that?

i also really really miss my sister, she's in iran with my mother right now and apparently they're not in such great health.
i really, really miss her
don't tell her but i've been sleeping in the bottom bunk (where she usually slept) and i guess it's because it feels weird sleeping on the top bunk for some reason


i draw stuff :)

new stuff:
  • my aunt's super pro recording equipment and that is just so exciting i mean really
  • glockenspiel :D
i dreamt last night that there were these edible sea shells in my soup and they were like
made of ice cream and the soup was hot chocolate and it was just really weird but really good at the same time


apparently my mom thinks i sound like Juno because when i speak to her i'm usually really monotone, and my mom hates juno so i guess she hates my mannerisms

i haven't written a new song in forever :( i feel dull, but i can't force something like this.


i keep writing letters.

Have I told you guys about We Feel Fine?

 wefeelfine.org is a website or an app, um, uh
okay so i don't know what to call it but it goes through everyone (EVERYONE)'s blogs and weeds out sentences that begin with or include the words "I feel" or "I am feeling". It archives them and you can view them if you open the applet on their website. It also takes out a photo, if there is a photo in the entry, and pairs it with the sentence.

It's really really interesting, it shows a lot, you can file through the archive of feelings by age, gender, weather, location, a ton of different options
good times
i wonder if i've ever been on that website, or how many times if i have been.

i'm really sick, i don't know what i have but it's annoying and painful
i don't think i'm going to school tomorrow.

Sometimes I feel lost in infinity, do you know what i mean? A little like what with all the things I will never do, and all the things I have done but can't remember, and all the people I have never met, and all the things that they have done and will never do, all the stories, all the feelings, sometimes it feels like torture to never know all of it even though knowing it all would still kill me, so maybe I'm an anachronism, or maybe it would be better off to not have been living at all

but i'd rather still be alive

it's hard to be myself sometimes, it feels like i have a few different dimensions but only one of them is who i really am and it's hard to sync who i am on the inside with who i am on the outside

Deep Thoughts, by Asya

Recently I've read a few books, Everything Is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close also by Jonathan Safran Foer, The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane by Kate DiCamillo (an amazing read and re-read and re-read), Holes by Louis Sachar and a few other works by Sachar that I read when I was a younger kid. I've got to read more, really.

last week I had an Open Stage, and I met a girl from California (like me) from Sacramento (like me) and, get this, from the same suburb as I am.

I freaked out
I also played two originals, and it was the first time for me playing original songs in front of an organized crowd
I'm thinking of putting together a small playlist of songs I cover and putting them on cd's and handing them out to friends


it'll be in a jewel case with album artwork by yours truly 

also i have to start working on the zine again, so spread the word! www.thelittlelemmings.com!
Currently I'm updating the website. 

Recently I made a nice long list about things I remember about winters past:

-hot chocolate
-Nura the snow-woman
-my sister
-college park
-being really young
-Patrick the medical-dog-thing
-MOM's (grocery store)
-fruit-flavored gummy bears
-miniature grocery (part of the apartment complex we lived in)
-Nate the Great

(New York Winters)
-solitude/being alone
-new laptop
-Where the Wild Things Are
-Stars- Your Ex-Lover is Dead
-watching movie trailers (An Education, The Good Guy)
-snow all over the schoolyard
-Color Me Katie
-lotion from Olivia (Christmas present)
-being myself and on the verge of losing it
-Pictures at night
-Appletree and Subs Conscious
-basement time in Bancroft

Winter absolutely breaks my heart in completely different ways.


Some videos for you:

(this version of Breathe Me is amazing)



 :D hi i have missed you oh so much
we're set up for some lovely weather aqui en la ciudad

SCHOOL it sucks and it's boring
but really, a situation is only what you make it so i have to be brave and make the best out of this

and it was fantastic
it was living breathing art and it was just ugh amazing
minimal dialogue, but the dialogue that was said was hilarious or sentimental and it was just ridiculous
without dialogue it relied a lot on music and i have to say that the onstage band and the cast came through (as they do every night i am sure) wonderfully
so close yet so far
this is really the kind of theater that i aspire to be a part of
but i dare not have the audacity to even hope for it! to be professionally involved with Green Day or American Idiot or even John Gallagher Jr. and the rest of the phenomenal cast is more than i could ever hope for
so all i'm going to do is keep living and try, hard

my admiration for John Gallagher Jr's talent has grown pretty strongly 
i think what i love about him the most is that other people always say that they lose themselves in the music, but he finds himself in it
he's said it before, that he struggles daily trying to find where he can fit and it's like he can't find himself anywhere else, and because of that i have so much faith in him as an actor and performer and person. i'm not brave enough, personally, to bring myself into someone else's art but john makes it his own and i envy that skill


Aug. 15th, 2010


i feel like i wasted my entire summer, 
mostly since i spent it sitting by a huge river staring at the sun with the woman who forced me to be there since she is leaving for the next year and we'll have minimal contact during that time
for this i feel incredibly selfish, but i needed time this summer to be alone and i wasn't granted that. she quit her job to spend time with me and still i am the worst company you will ever have the misfortune to sit with. i do not talk. at all. do not even try to start a conversation with me because i'll mostly make a small noise and concentrate on how i could be doing something else
because trust me, after 30 or so evenings by the same river you kind of get used to what you're seeing
it's almost like if i can't go far away from new york i don't want to go outside at all. i'm living a slow and sickly life here in the city that i very well know could be livened up if i could jus tmuster enough need and initiative and pure lightning WILL within myself to do something great. but i can't. i'm dead.

i want to transfer schools but i really don't know if this is me just giving up, i have an icky feeling that this is just the easy way out. and since it is the easy way out, why can i not just find it in myself to work harder? here's why: i can't feel that it's worth it when this is just a copious amount of work for the same credit i could achieve at another high school for doing a more manageable amount of work, where teachers will follow through and make sure you're doing well instead of just telling you to do so.

However, it is once more that gorgeous and lovely and inspiring time of the year when I get to plan eid presents. This is kind of my favorite part of Ramadan; planning what to give to people that you love. So. Expect.

Whenever I think of my short stint in Maryland when I was about five, I always think of winter. Because 1) that was the first winter I saw snow and remembered it, 2) that was the first time I saw Christmas in the states, and 3) Dunkin Donuts and Starbucks every day. I miss that. A few years ago, our first Thanksgiving in New York, I think? Maybe. But anyway we visited my old Kindergarten teacher in Maryland and in doing so we visited our old apartment complex. It was cold and lonely and really nostalgic, but the problem is I can't remember too much about anything anymore. Perhaps I have some sort of memory loss condition?

let's make this a productive and rather uplifting post because my absence is unwarranted except for sheer, utter boredom

I feel hopeful I feel determined

Aug. 5th, 2010

i'm so sorry i haven't been here in a while
but summer is growing increasingly boring
a few days ago i took a train trip upstate for a day
when we got off the train we could still see the city LOL

mmm even MORE recently i took a trip over to my soulmate's house which is so far that it's not even on the subway map. we painted, watched an episode of doctor who, swam in her pool, ate paratas, and watched The Darjeeling Limited

also since my laptop has been completely ravaged by a virus, recordings are no longer underway until i get a new one so give me a couple years on that

So i finally started writing down on paper again
and i thought about how i should really finish things that i start
so with around 34 days left for summer vacation
i gotta get crackin



this summer  is growing boring already
i need to get out of the city, this is ridiculous

so far i have taken one road trip to rhode island with my sister and mother
we passed through the campus of RISD and Brown, where I found a random Gogol Bordello poster (seeing as they were in Providence the day before we were) so I took that home...



That, my friends, is a mustache to be admired.

This is Eugene Hutz, the frontman of Gogol Bordello- a gypsy-punk band based in New York.
Honestly there's not a song by Gogol Bordello that I've heard and not liked.
They focus a lot on the diasporic aspect of Gypsy culture


i'm just going to go decorate my room some more


my brother's over for like the first time in weeks :D

more like DEADjournal
lol okay sorry guys
it's been like a month and then some since i posted, i'm a bad blogger :(

my life is getting boring
the summer is going to be boring
i have to fix that
dear GOD i need to get out of the city

But sophomore year was the bomb.com

i can't say much more than this
this is a waste of an entry
i mean
i just wanted to let you guys know that i am still alive
ALSO i started a new journal, thank God